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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Sacrificial Love

True love is not based on emotions; It is an act of the will.

Jayna's conception and birth have truly taught me how to love unconditionally. It's a daily struggle but I can see how God keeps reminding me that He can empower me. Enough said about the torture I endured when I was pregnant with her. Raising her isn't any less arduous either.

Back when Joash was a year old, you can see from his schedule that it was an utter joy to take care of him. He could play by himself for quite some time, be contented to wait till I finished my food while playing with toys and was easy to take around so we had fun going out. Crankiness was not frequent. He could fall asleep on his own and do a complete nap, though it was for a mere half an hour, and would wake up smiling. I did not need to make any special effort to be quiet while doing chores cos he could sleep through anything.

However, Jayna is fussy practically ALL the time. I have to perpetually concentrate hundred percent of my attention on her. When she was smaller, I could put her in the sling the whole day and do my chores but now as she is coming to one year of age, it's impossible to carry her for long. She screams bloody murder every time I stand up from her side or leave the room for a few seconds to take something so I've gotten used to bringing her along with me everywhere I go, be it to the toilet or just to throw something away. Even when she's playing with her toys, I have to sit right by her and she would start clamoring for me the moment I turn to read the bible, attempt to pray or do something on the computer.

The shrill sound of her unhappy whine is forever in my ears. I have to strain really hard not to make a single sudden noise and tip-toe around when I cook or do chores while she sleeps, cos that's the only time I have to do anything. She is such a light sleeper that even though her nap time is supposedly 2 hours long, she'll wake up every few minutes due to some random noise such as a bird chirping, our neighbor opening and closing the door or some sound of furniture moving upstairs and I will have to carry her and pat her back to sleep. My nerves are constantly tensed and my ears are always alert to her wail. Many a days, I get so tired of putting her back to bed that I'll simply let her sleep on my chest for the rest of the nap so that I can get some sort of respite.

She also does not take well to being brought out. She can't drink or sleep properly outside and she will not suffer to be in the pram for long. I've long resigned myself to being relatively house-bound cos a trip anywhere will drain me of my energy trying to pacify her the entire way. I'm rather well-known already in the neighborhood super-mart for having to contend with a persistent, shrieking baby whenever I shop for grocery as she'll be irate the moment I take my attention off her to select items and pay for them at the cashier.

It is also very tough to feed her as she hardly takes a proper meal. She drinks her milk in installments and that makes it difficult to gauge whether she is hungry or not especially since she'll cry even when she's not hungry, sleepy, wet or plagued by anything troubling. And boy, does she make her vaguely mysterious sense of dissatisfaction known very audibly.

There are just soooo many times when I fight against flaring up at her especially since I've already spent all my effort to please her and yet she'll continue in her grating shrill voice. Even when Joash made me angry, he would put in his best foot forward to get back into my good books after his tantrum. However my dear princess will complain for a long time to come if I ever were to displease her in the slightest way.

Even Joshua can tell that I am so much more drained and listless after a day of taking care of Jayna then when I was caring for Joash. In fact, even when Joash stays home due to school holidays or illness, I only have to expend a little bit more effort in caring for him too. He is such an understanding and independent boy and will even try to help me by getting things for me and attempt to entertain his sister who is mostly unappreciative of his efforts.

I really do struggle a lot with resentment against my daughter. She has monopolised the tender loving care of the family and is still immensely difficult to please. Joash has already graciously relinquished a lot of the attention that is due him and it seems not to be enough for Jayna. If she were suffering from some chronic illness, I would find it in my heart to take pity upon her and endure her complaints with much fortitude since it wouldn't be her fault for being sick. However, she is perfectly healthy. I can only blame it on her odious personality. Even my mother-in-law chose Joash when we asked her last weekend which of our children she wants to help us with. As my husband crudely puts it, "Jayna sucks the life out of her care-giver!"

I do wonder if she'll grow up grateful of the sacrificial love that has been showered upon her. It would truly be a tragedy if she were to live thinking that the whole world owes it to her. I can only pray that she'll ultimately know God and thus understand eventually that she is truly blessed among children. For many poor babies would thrive on a fraction of the love she's been given and grow plump and happy on the food she's has disdained to eat.

I have to practice a heart of continuous thanksgiving for the small mercies regarding Jayna or I'll never survive being her main caregiver. I need day to day strengthening of my body, emotions and soul in order to face another day with her.

Philippians. 4:4
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!"

THIS is how I practice daily rejoicing:
Below is yet another video of Jayna in the little moments of happiness. Whenever she's fussy beyond consolation, I'll bring her out in the pram for a short trip (cos her gladness lasts only a few minutes before she tires of the joy ride) and here's the cute swaying action she does at the beginning. Enjoy. :)



1 comment:

belinda said...

Appreciate your sharing this. Your enduring love for her is a humbling reminder of God's towards us.
Take care.